Bad Writing at it's Best, Because I Don't Believe in Giving Advice

Not everything is as organic as what we'd like.  We would love for words to flow like water, and money to come as easy as a breeze on a cool spring day. 

But rarely, if ever, does that ish happen.

The thought was this summer would bring the time I'd sorely been missing.  Money from the school would be able to finance some adventures, and all would be well.  (Rarely does that ish happen) 

I ended up being forced out of one school because of their finances, and then being fired from another school district, which felt more like a set up.  So now here I am down one job, dipping into savings, and forcing fingers to keyboards trying to find an explanation to life.  In therapeutic environments, this is called processing.

Not everything is as organic as what we'd like.

I remember posting a response in a forum.  The question was something to the effect of how do you find time to write with kids and a family.  Me being young (and quite stupid now looking back) replied something to the effect of 'you have to make time, you have to carve out your niche of moments when the kids are sleep and the hubby's at work'...something to that effect.  

Could I have been more naive?

I know now, that finding time to write is only part of the issue.  There's that feeling of having something to say, or having that inspiration, or being able to follow that plan.  And inspiration don't always work on your clock, and work on your schedule. 

So this is writing me, carving and forcing and looking thinking...this is some of the worst writing ever.  It's brooding and complaining and filled with run-on sentences, lacking feeling and emotion.  But I'm writing.

Not everything is as organic as what we'd like.

If you haven't noticed by now, much of this blog is filled with free-writing. It's sitting at my keyboard with the desire to write.  No plan, no outline, no real thought pattern, just my day, my feelings about it, and given the time to express it.  

The journey is not always therapeutic, but it can be honest. 

With a wife, two small children and two jobs to cover the bills, I'm lucky to just free-write.  How do I find the time?  There's at work off-time, or late nights (which I love--current time:1:39am), and sometimes great planning will allow for a few moments before that badge hits that time-clock.  So no it's not easy, but if you want something bad enough, you will sacrifice.  You carve, you force, you cry, and perseverate in traffic, with the window cracked, the piano playing softly on the radio, your cigarette burning slow as you dictate the paragraph about the lover scene into your phone with the hope you can find it, or even remember that it's there later.

You carve, you force, you sacrifice.

It is what it is writer.  It is what it is poet.  It is what it is editor.  We can not stop writing, we can not stop creating, it is ok to let that baby sleep, and your sig other rest, and do you.  Be you. Breathe you.  And write.  So I leave you with a knife, and tell you to carve.  I leave you with a machete and tell you to force.  I leave your soul an morals conflicted, and tell you to sacrifice.  

The one thing I will not tell you to do is stop.

We'll Call It Prose (update)

We keep minds blown with fresh poems protruding through the dome. Tryin' not to stress off forever homes, because mortgage became the factor rather than rent last year.

And it’s still a Dada’s world, two years in with new life climbing up that five month ladder. And am still mad like that hatter, but Sara’s in Wonderland in running shorts rather than Alice and that funky ass blue dress. While crazy I try not to be, while frequently taking breaths because none of the girls want me to yell.

The dream, is a work in progress as progressions on new books stands strong on the frontline. Any graphic artist wanna donate some talents to a struggling self publishing author who has little to no time? If not the plot will flow forth with fatherly sentiment, political mind frames and experiences of finding peace while helping mind fractured milieus.

Did you get all that?

Because my self esteem still sits on high without 420 additives adding confidence like sugar to sober brownies. Overstanding obstacles while completing goals, giving Gratitude to The Most High. Ain’t really religious but learning what it takes, to get by as time flashes by.

So am thankful for the time you took; while tossing in this hook, hoping you check out my other book, Chicken Soup and A Shot of Jack. It is actual and factual that I am thankful for just your eyes. You’ve stuck with me this long, I apologize for my absence, but living life is sometimes the only prize.

I am ‘bout 4 post behind so please keep ya peepers peeled, as in the heels of this will come another.

Am thankful again for you reading this,

Sincerely

Your Poetic Brother

Timelines & Poetry...Poetry & Timelines

So it's been a balanced start to the new year.  I could say a hellish one, but that would refuse to recognize  the good that's occurred--AND THERE HAS BEEN SOME GOOD!! 

So I think I'm going to do this post a little different, and kind of present a time-line of events if you will, because I think that will put things in a better perspective.  So here goes, and please forgive me as my memory is not what it should be, so somethings, may be off.

• Jan 8, 2019 Fiance' Friend comes to town to help out for the week as new baby will be born 
• Jan. 9, 2019 New Life happens and my baby-girl is thrust into world.  We all love Naomi!
• Jan. 11, 2019 Fiance mother comes to town to help.  (Love GranMa, no issues so don't even think about stirring the pot--lol) 
• *Note both my parents are deceased
• Jan 12, 2019 Baby and Mom come home, Friend leaves, GranMa still there.  Big ole happy family!
• Jan 18, 2019 GranMa leaves 
• Jan 21th- Feb. 4th off from both jobs
• Had a great time  with my family, realized just how much Moms do! Big Shout Out to Stay At Home Moms!!
• Got reacquainted with my 1st born, now 1.75 years old!  She is either on and going, or off, down and sleep!

•  Jan 30th Received call from Vice Principal; was told my contract for next year would not be renewed and that my position for next year would not be available.  Essentially told I would not have a job for next fall.
• So this is a three-fold event:
• 1. This is my second job, that I have at a school.  Of the jobs I have/had this is the lesser paying one
• 2. I still have/will have checks coming in through July.  But I knew waiting all winter to try and get a job during spring and/or the summer is pretty iffy
• 3. Didn't really enjoy the rest of the time off because now I'm stressing about needing to find additional employment for supplemental income
• So I'm like damn how you get fired on like, paternity leave??  Can a black man get a break??  Could the timing be any worse.

• Feb. 1st--Starts applying to jobs

• Feb 2nd Back to work at the hospital (Schedule is Tu-Sat) easy shift, and easy way to ease back into things.
• Also co-workers were super supportive and loving!! They showered little Naomi and family with gifts! Love my hospital co-workers!!

• Feb 4th back at the school, also back grinding.  Continues grinding put in several applications for positions.  A brotha like me don't wait around.  Got two kids--'gotta keep the heat and lights on!'
• Gets word from counselor, that someone emailed her, because she's my reference (Also a damn good counselor, also a damn good friend!!)

•  Week of Feb. 4th just hella emotional.  Didn't want to be at the school, but I'm a man dammit, so we grind it out.

• Feb 5th I received an email in regards to application--They want a phone interview, and I'm like hells yeah let's do it tomorrow!  
• *But it's weird because it's not the same company who asked my co-worker/supervisor for a reference 
• Feb 6th I get another email from a third company in regards to my resume, and they want to do a phone interview on the 7th.  So at this point I'm all in. 
• My phone interview with the 1st company went well.  I had a second interview with another company set for the 7th.  Then I received a call from the company the counselor talked to and they said they wanted to interview me. 
• By the end of the week I had face to face interviews scheduled for the 11th and the 14th.  (One on the 11th, with a different school district, two on the 14th with different non-profits)

• Feb 11th interview with the school district went real well.  I felt there was a connection, but wasn't sure.

• Feb 12th GranPa comes (still no issues, love GranPa, and still don't even think about stirring the pot--lol) 
• He and fiance were able to get a lot done for our house, and it's always good to catch up with GranPa
• Feb 14th Valentines Day--we just had a baby, and I was told I wouldn't have a 2nd job come the fall...ain't nobody thinkin' bout no romantic love--We Real Up In Here! (lol) 
• Scheduled to be off from the school job, because had interviews set for am and pm
• 1st interview went ok.  Didn't feel a real live connection, but went fairly well.
• 2nd interview was interesting because it was for two positions.  One for an administrative role, the other for more of a role working directly with mental health people.  
• Of course the 2nd role ended up being more of a fit.  Interview was good, somewhat hard to read, but I think we both got a good feel for how we could work stuff out

• Feb 15th GranPa leaves
• Feb 15th Cousins arrives
• (mind you, still all her family)
• Cousin is cool, they go out with Fiance and the kids.  My oldest shows who she is, but she's 1.75 years old...that's to be expected.  Plus she's cute as all get out.

• Feb 16th we all head out to the kid restaurant that both Fiance and Cousin loved as kids, and of course we take our babies
• Note: I'm tired after working two jobs and having interviews all week, but suck it up and go out that afternoon with everyone before work
• We had a good time, but 1.75 got tired, and showed out a little bit.  Looking back, there was some really good communication between Fiance and I, and some recognition too.  So we made it through that Saturday.
• Feb 17th No extended relatives, just the immediate fam.  No jobs to go to.  We rested well.

• Feb19th  Got word from the other school district.  Got that job baby!! It's the one I really wanted of the three.  The schedule is right, the kind of work is right, and the money is right.

So I go through this whole time-line to show, there has to be some understanding.  There will be pitfalls, but there will also be joys.  Some things will be missed, others made.  There has to be balance. So in honor of time-lines and balance, I present to you some poetry (as if you wanted MORE to read) Enjoy this little piece, and enjoy perspective of balance.

There are some time-lines we find
to be extremely extraordinary.
Others be rough patches  of reality.
We recognize enjoyment while 
attempting to 
exit anger, block out negativity, & accept beauty.
All things do not occur at once,
meaning:
your car will not break down
at the immediate moment
your scratch-off wins you $800,000.
Nor will you find
complete happiness
at your highest climax,
with your 37th sexual encounter.
(However, that shit might be bomb,
  for about 73 minutes!)
Timelines follow universal order,
when disorder appears to 
dominate your being. 
Balance is a biah; but...
it, serves, purpose.
It. Serves. Purpose.
Try to remember that 
when your well paying position,
with that high profile, billion dollar company,
texts you a pink slip,
while taking your morning constitutional
the day after your two year old
has received their 
first set of stitches--
It's balance.
Timelines are tricky &
progressive.  Always remember,
you are not where you were;
and things will occur to 
propel you forward, or 
rewind.
Don't whine, remember 
winning must be unwound from 
barriers and obstacles and learning opportunities.
There is no progress without 
the struggle in regress;
you time is not
a, fixed line.  

Explore (poem)

Read me.
Like Southerners love sweet tea,
Like Africans love liberty,
Like Twitter loves tweets.

Read me.

Whether white snow
be thick on the ground
or citizens be blind
& justice can't be found.

Read me.

If need-be, be
blindfold; if my color
makes your judgement
cold--
For these words universal
to the blue circle,
we all live & share,
should not matter
the skin color or
length of hair;
just,

Read me.

And be easy
for eternity faces us all;
rich, poor,
plastic, fake,
Real as Fuck, or
plastered to the wall.
This may not be for some,
but stick wit' 'cha boy,
this ain't the only one,
so give it a try,
it ain't crack
no like
but you might just find something,
you like
so,

Read me.

Can Speak On (poetry)

We could speak on
saddle stitchin' 7-year-olds
holdin' down buckin' broncos
with a pair of fresh J's on the shelf
and a real nice pair of boots
protectin' 10 toes...







 
Or go space-age love story
with sweeping strokes
of star-dust, that
pales,
in comparison to your beautiful
soul; always get lost in your eyes.

(yeah right)


We could speak on
peace;
Being in the moment
and enjoying the eyes and outlines
of mother and newborn baby.
Or imagine a day when
perfection is at the intersection
of Eternal and Happy,
float-walking with loved ones;
on thick, water rushed sands
being sucked out between gripping toes
as the tide rolls out, and
baby teeth filled smiles
roll in

We could speak on
fear--
follies and floundering;
self-doubt while searching for
a Loch Ness monster, you know is real.
Be calm. Be still.
Listen to your best heart,
then follow.

Or we could
rally the rhythm
in your soul
dominating dance moves
barefoot under fresh dust clouds
creating energy
creating breath
creating feeling
creating joy
creating me
creating you
creating we

creating.