This week (6.19.20) has been difficult. Family issues are always there, job issues the same; but relaxing via social media or tv has brought up feelings and emotions there is no running from. Nothing but constant reminders of who I am and where I stand in this country has been exhausting.
The kicker was an article I wrote for an online magazine I work with--wherdymyth.com My editor wanted me to do a piece on manhood--black manhood.
Let me rewind.
About a week ago my team at the hospital had received a new patient. The report on this individual was that he was from jail, highly assaultive, and had to be placed on a 1:1. I remember going to report that afternoon in a bad mood. I remember the hospital was not going to “up-staff” us for this individual even though that’s what they usually do with a 1:1.
There is always a feeling of being unsafe in this country. With the protest it was forefront. Now at my job it was immediate.
The report stated that the patient had been heavily sedated and had been sleeping all afternoon. No lie, part of me felt like I could get assaulted, have a bad restraint, and maybe get sent home. I did what all men do, I strapped up and went to work. I got a pen and a few pieces of paper.
As I approached the room I looked at my co-worker and noticed his body language. He was ridiculously relaxed. When I got to him he said, “I don’t know what the hell they gave him, but he’s out like a light”. I felt better. I got a little look at him (expecting him to be Black) but he wasn’t. Upon first glance, he looked Hispanic. It didn’t matter, there was that make-up to be knocked-out: Black or brown, male, and with a record.
There I was, in a chair just outside the door, watching this grown ass man sleeping. From the looks of it, shit--he was getting some of the best sleep he’d had in months. After about 15 minutes of this man snoring well, I began to feel safe. So I pulled out my pen and paper; and watched as the words just flowed out of me.
It was a release, a tension breaker; a recognition of where I am and where we are as a country. After writing I did feel more relaxed, my breathing was better and my headache had decreased.
But there was also a drain, a physical feeling that can be related to being in your hotel room after a 16 hour drive. Experiencing racism is exhausting, writing about being Black is consuming, living in america is living beyond fatigue.
By the time I got home, I was excited, but I was spent. I wasn’t done with the article, but the majority had been written. The next night, I was drained; felt like I was a main actor in The Hangover. I remember having a conversation with my wife at the end of the steps and thinking how much of a fog I was in. I know I needed to type up the article and finish it, but I just didn’t have the strength.
A few nights later, I was able to sit down, type it up and finish it off. I wasn’t sure if it was what my editor wanted but I emailed it off at like 3 in the morning. The next day I received a text from my very excited editor. She said she liked it, and could feel the passion in it.
She wanted me to do another article, but I couldn’t. There are writings like this I’m still responsible for, there are promotions for my new book I’m working on, and life is full swing.
Overall I’m very happy with writing for the magazine. It’s another outlet, it’s reciprocal appreciation--and appreciation has become a big theme for me as of late.
If you would like to read the article, it’ll be posted on the magazine website wherdzmyth.com
At the top of the page you’ll see the link for WHERDMYTH; they’ll be a drop down and you’ll see the months. The article will be out in July, but I did a piece in the June issue on social evolution which is well written and enjoyable.
Thanks again for reading, stay safe, and remember that if you can’t love your fellow human, at least respect them
