Failure & Success pt I

You tried to succeed at it, but didn't.  You had that fire in your belly, and had your sights on that feeling of being top dog.  You set the goal, and worked daily to make it happen.  

But for whatever reason, it didn't happen, the expected outcome didn't happen, you came up just a bit short, you failed.

So you feel bad, you feel low, you feel like  the bug, that was squashed under foot of the goal you just failed.  

• You have the right to feel that way.  
• You have the right to be angry.  
• You have the right to work, get up, and try again

Failing sucks.  But it is an occurrence that happens in the present, it is up to you to ensure that it is placed in past, and not an occurrence that happens in the future.  We all have had experiences in which we didn't come out on top. 

However those who have experienced success, has gotten back up.

It is the "get up,"get back", and "get them" mentality that you have to have. Not only when it comes to failure, but in life.  Trying new things is a part of life. Trying new things and succeeding in them, or failing is also part of it.  

If you allow the possibility of failure to end your decision to try something new, then  you've failed!  We learn in our failures, we find out what doesn't work in our failures, we see what we've done wrong.  

In success we apply these lessons correctly, and the outcome is vastly different.

So get out there and try!  Get out there, try and fail!  Get out there, try, fail, & learn.  Once you learn how to succeed, then you will--indefinitely!  I know you can, now it's just up to you to believe!

  

Some Honesty for May's End

Fatherhood is hard.  I don't know if it's more difficult having a "mixed" or bi-racial child and family.  I am, have always been, and will always be deeply in love with my culture.  It is a source of great strength for me.  I have written about it often, as it has been the source of much of my inspiration.

At times throughout the first year of my first born's life, I've struggled at times on what to tell her, and what she needs to find out for herself.  I want her to see her humanity, and not have it stripped from her in dealing with america, or schools, or religion, or friends, or family member of friends, or even her own family members. 

I want for her to grow strong; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually.  So I penned this piece in hopes of that.  More than likely it will be the first of many.  It may not be my best work as a writer, or a father, but it is honest for the moment.

Some Honesty for May's End

For biracial babies
born 50 plus
years past the
turn of hands,
and cheeks, and first, and
post racial, but racism still
existing.
I will tell her,
Love Yourself, first & foremost.
And that,
it is good to love your neighbors,
but not always realistic.

I will instill Pride,
of Nations
with Red, Black, & Green
filling the flag.
Will break down;
Red is for the blood that was shed,
and
Black for her people,
and
Green is for the land, the motherland
Africa.

Be curious about everything,
some folks will lie, and others are ignorant,
so be mindful, stay curious, and
find the meaning for yourself...

Don’t forget to
Love yourself,
I will remind her--

Intelligence is a gift,
you should access it often.

There is also room for
laughter.
A lot of room, for a whole lot
of laughter.  And if
the room becomes small,
start knocking down walls and fill the space
with smiles and belly laughs, and tears streaming
and cheeks hurting, and deep breaths
kind of laughs

Don't forget to
Love yourself
I will remind her--

You are a lady, and
1/2 black,
but this does not mean
you will not give full effort,
or be lazy, or
blame the system.
You can build new systems,
if the ones you find,
don't work for you,
or hire you,
or have discriminatory practices.

Don't ever let anyone disrespect you

You will be trained,
so if it becomes physical, you will be
prepared.

She will know,
that Dad will always be here,
as she knows now that,
Daddy loves her, Daddy loves her, Daddy loves her.
And that Dad will stand by her side,
and her Mother's side,
and we will all stand side by side,
as a Family should.

These are just a few lessons,
I will teach, alongside her mother.

For biracial babies
born 50 plus years
past the
turn of hands,
and cheeks, and first, and
post racial, but--

Remembering to love themselves,
and honer themselves,
for they are the future,
and what a Mighty One it
Will Be!

grat·i·tude ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun: gratitude

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

"she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support"

synonyms:

gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation;

It's the stuff that a good world is made it.  It's the light at the end of the tunnel, it is the hug at the end of the run.  It is the bonus at Christmas, or the last day of school.There were several times in the last few weeks I thought I just wasn't going to make it.  (So in honor of making it, I'm doing a post on gratitude.) 

Because I was in peril but also a spiritual person, I was able to call on some ancestors to guide my path.  When I was sick, they guided my path right to bed, making me do the unthinkable--miss work. 

Now for me, I hate to miss work, it bugs me--maybe even more than being sick.  However, I felt the loss of energy, the watering of the eyes, the heaviness of the chest, the soreness of the throat, and of course the head-ache that can't be alleviated--I knew I was sick.

It was a Thursday, and I went to work hacking and coughing, looking like a run-over dog.  I arrived to work late, and when my boss looked at me, she was like, you should go home.  But there was no way in hell I was about to go home after running behind all day, and fighting through 73 minutes of traffic to get to work.  I stayed.  However, my boss and I decided that it would be best if I just called in to work, tomorrow if I was feeling the same.

I did, and it was good.  My lady kept the baby quiet and I took some cough medicine, a hot totti, and some codeine, then passed out.  It was amazing, the rest, the sleep, the ability to not do anything, but focus on wellness and getting well.  It was great for me. I was so thankful.  The next day I went to both jobs, and as some of you know I work in the mental health field.  What's dope

about the mental health field is that they really get the concept of gratitude.  They are happy when a person shows up to work, and sad when they don't.  I say this to set up this picture. A co-worker gave me some cough drops on the Saturday I returned to work and on the wrappers were positive saying--how freakin' dope is that!!  So as you can see, it has sayings like "Get back in the game", "Go get it", and "Don't wait to get started."  This was the best cough drop I'd ever had.  The drop help me physically and the affirmations helped me mentally.  The thing about being sick, is that it's a dual thing, your body is drained, but so is your spirit.  You don't want to do anything; your mind says you can't and your body confirms it. So to be able to read the message on the wrapper, during work, working with psychiatric patients, was big for me.  

I felt appreciative, I felt relieved, it was the power of gratitude.  Not many people know this about me, but the last thing I do on my drive home is actively talk to my higher power and "Give Thanks."  I Give Thanks for the good, the bad, and the ugly--I have to.  It was those things that made my day.  And to date, the bad and the ugly haven't killed me, so I Give Thanks.  

In support of all the good that has come to me over these last several weeks, I am grateful. I am thankful, and indebted.  Good things come, just wait on them, be patient.  But while you are waiting, don't forget to work your tail off.

Today: Be grateful for something, then name it, call it out, and thank something/someone greater than yourself.

I ain't spit in a long time (poetry/video)

Becuz, We Did That

We sit back,

backs pressed to chair-backs,

wondering,

what happened back then?

Back when free was

more than a four-letter word,

and air was more than

exhaling during a day,

filled with more drama

than dance.

What did we do…when we could

(really) do it?

Carefree doesn’t come close to the

feeling of:

fuck it, we got this—

in the face of insurmountable odds.

When we dared the Grand Canyon

to stay put,

just so we could attempt to jump it.

Unwise, the world told us,

as we responded:

we are brave warriors,

when did you find cowardice

so comforting?

There were no limits to

what imagination held;

as those holdings became goals,

because our favorite English teacher

told us: “Goals are better than dreams—“

So we used that term instead,

and called ourselves,

smart, brave, and goal driven.

When running was

the only way to get to the destination,

and the race was constantly on;

as plastic, Payless shoes melted

on hot cracked concrete. 

Walking is for suckas and old folks,

ya’ll know nothing of young sweat!

(too youthful to stink—or so we thought)

(we had not yet begun to “smell ourselves”)

We played basketball in summer’s sunshine,

at the neighbor’s house, or up the block

at the rec center.  We fought, and cussed,

said fuck you bitch to the rec worker, just before

getting our passes revoked, and being banned

for at least a week.

At older siblings’ apartment we,

jacked the pizza man, because we was broke,  

young, roguish, and hon-gree.

Cars became a new freedom

as the strip and lake on Sundays

became havens for adult activities,

(we ain’t had no business even attempting)—

but we did that shit in style.

Glistening rims on freshly washed

candy apple, painted cars,

we was ridin’, rat-packin’, fo’ deep’

with fo-deeze under tha' seat,

because we was creepin’ from 5-0.

And then we graduated; faded and fucked up,

we hit ‘em up,

as we pranced across the stage;

eyes red, and a “J” just under our

card-board, diamond-shaped, grad-brim.

We partied as the bass slammed eardrums,

we were young, didn’t care about decibel levels,

hell we passed science with a

solid, muthafuckin’ C—

“hurry hurry, time is passing”…

I remember those wise words of the science teacher

who definitely taught us more than just the

periodic table, and elements of nature.

She taught us the elements of life

as we sauntered to sixth period…

“hurry, hurry, time is passing”…

yea it is, yea it is.

it is only now, how much we realize

just how much…

We sit back,

backs pressed to chair-backs,

wondering,

what happened back then?

….hurry, hurry,

            time is passing.

Unintentionally intimidated…

Initiated into

open stages where

differing points

could be heard like

conversations at the corner store

or parking lots after

poetry sessions

smokin’ good green,

puttin’ green puffs high,

into the atmosphere.

Felt the same vibe

would happen on

nights where musicians gathered;

would feel warm,

would feel welcomed,

would get that

excited feeling of

walking into your homie’s basement

ready to record

your dopest thoughts…

but it didn’t happen,

 

Unintentionally intimidated.

Where the inner-child

jumped up in awe,

yelled hell naw

I ain’t following that—

not as good as that cat—

let me pack,

take a last puff off your square,

I ain’t goin up there,

but let me take that last listen

to that bad ass high hat,

grab my little sax….

and split,

shit I ain’t as good as that cat

Unintentionally intimidated

When something inside of me

snapped and broke,

causing a crash and burn

effect on the inner workings

of all things that made me, me

Was like,

I became Rip Van Wink

when ever I got close to the ink;

even penning poetry

became a chore,

attending open mics, a bore

I could no longer stand my reflection,

had no idea what my psyche

had in store,

I had become unintentionally intimidated

Until one night,

gathered my nerve like I used to do;

grabbed up my back-pack, notebooks

and went completely old school—

grey hairs perking up

as my head’s hair follicles

of the conscience nation

began tearing at the

unintentional intimidation

elevating my self-esteem information,

so by the time I reached the place,

I was ready to go

face to face with all the faces facing the stage…

Truth is,

I had to man up, or poet up, or musician up

Had to remind myself that

I am the greatest, I am, that I am.

I am only in competition

with myself—

And with that realization

the only unintentional intimidation,

is with that gorgeous reflection I see,

so I’m learning to leave the pressure behind and  

embrace the beauty

Flipbook--"The Poetry Project"

A poem for students who Marched in March

 We seek sanity,
in insane times.
We want security,
in unsafe situations.
We want justice,
from politician who just
don't know the meaning.

Leaning is urged,
shoulder to shoulder
so souls will be comforted,
and these bitter times will not
be so cold.

Students flooding streets
because their school
is a crime site;
bullet holes in chem class,
blood on the stage.

And on the hill they sit,
elected, and fat,
looking for shadows because
bank statements show
three lettered supporters--

Rhymes with
'how many kids
did you kill today'

Things I Don't Normally Do

I don't usually do things like this, it's just not my nature.  But we sacrifice and compromise for things we care about, and most definitely for people we care about.  So here goes.

Just about a year ago, I became a father for the 1st time--dope right?  Well my baby is a lot like her mother and myself, she lacks patience.  I like to joke like that because her arrival has been the roughest road I've ever traveled.  

Makenzie was born about 2 and 1/2 month early, making her a very preemie baby.  She was just over a pound at birth, doctors had to place all kind of different tubes and needles in her very delicate skin, and to top things off, me and her mother weren't able to hold her for several weeks. 

I tip my hat to anyone who has to go through the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).  We ended up spending  65 days there before getting released.  


So I agreed to help raise money for The March of Dimes, The March for Babies.  They are a great organization who helps families and of course babies.  

Being a parent for the first time and wondering if your baby is going to make it through the night is a hell of a thing, it's the kind of thing I will fight and walk for, to ensure they are few and far between. 

So my lady has set up Makenzie's page so you can walk with us on April 21st 2018, or you can donate a tax-deductible donation.  Here is the link that you can go to and donate.

https://www.marchforbabies.org/Makenzie2017

I titled this post, Things I Don't Normally Do, because I don't usually involve myself in fundraising and things.  You may be the same way, you may be the type who doesn't get involved.  However, for the new year,  you may have resolved to do some things different.  This is a great opportunity to do that.  So come out on the 21st or donate--it can be as little as $5!

Remember, nothing is more important more precious than a new born life.  Thanks for reading, and thanks for donating! 

https://www.marchforbabies.org/Makenzie2017

Clarence & Makenzie