Last Days Ain't Last Days #365Black

For the heroes and sheroes
in history's path--
For those who ruled, then slaved,
then worked, and marched,
and were gunned down by
protectors of peace--
We salute you!

Overstand 365 black,

our celebration is not about

what we lack; loving ourselves

should not be some monkey

on your back--

Fact.

If you have not seen or
heard these lines,
in a while,
let me show you now.

I love you,
You are beautiful,
You matter,
I love you,
You are beautiful
You matter.

There is power in
standing, and
sitting, and
protesting, and
supporting, and
history, and herstory, and
future moments,
and blind children
with magnificent voices.

Please listen, or
watch, or
sit, or
support, or
do what needs to be
done, until the
idea of walls
they want to build
crumble like they did
in Jerico.

For Black Heroes and Sheroes
who slaved, marched, and
gave their life--
You matter,
We love you,
We miss you
We celebrate you
You are beautiful.

#blackhistorymonth
#celebrateblacknessforever
#thereisonlyus
#blackisbeautiful
#celebrateyourskin
#LastDaysAintLast Days

The Device of Fear

Fear. It's a real verifiable, definable, and measurable thing.  For people fear of failure usually tops the list.  However, fear of success hits an invisible higher plane.

• Oh my goodness, what if this project takes off and really goes where I want it to go
• What if they actually call me for an interview, hell--what if I get the job
• How can I be a good parent if I don't know what good parenting looks like
• What if I do finish the book, and the marketing plan works?

"Oh shit!" is usually what comes to mind.  Oh shit, I got the job, or oh shit, the marketing for the book took off, and I have people calling me for statements, and has questions about my next project, oh shit, oh shit oh shit!  Everything's going to voicemail till I figure it out!

You know your project, or your business, or how to get things done; but when someones questions you on specifics, you freeze, because of different reasons.  Sometimes you freeze because you have a trial and fail kind of method, and they may think that's not a good strategy.  Or you freeze because you don't well with direct confrontation.

Whatever the case, whatever situation, whatever the fear, I say

GO FOR IT !!!

What do you have to lose?  Now granted I may be preaching to the choir or some may think I'm a hypocrite because I'm not a independent business owner.  However, I am a risk taker, I have published two books, and working on a third.  I spend my day working two jobs to support a family I made on a 'surprise we're pregnant' move, and went for it.

So again I say to hell with fear, hit publish on Createspace, or hit submit on that application, or continue to write that book even though dozens of publishers have passed on it.

Don't stop, Don't quit, Don't give into fear....

Don't quit, on your dream!

 

Last Week (wk of 1/14/18)

It’s my week to piss off the world.  If you want it, you got it; this old grey haired bastard is ready.

Sunday fun-day, and the fire crackles to my feet. The household’s tilted, smiles stay crooked, baby eyes gleam, and the dream gets deferred.  We let red and grey, jagged eyed demons in the kitchen.  Turned us to green eyed bandits from Baltimore, and you over-stand just how filthy that city is.

Somehow making it to midnight, with ID required liquid percentages, rolling and swishing around in our bellies.  

I signed up for crazy.  For bat-shit, fecal matter being used for make-up kind of crazy. Like auditory hallucinations that, talk to old friends who ain’t nowhere around, kind of crazy. Like drooling midgets jump from beds to door, slam it, then jump back on bed yelling, “give me your keys” in a Russian accent, kind of crazy.

Didn’t sign up for girl drama past 30, when we’re all supposed to be professionals. Yet some can’t communicate with others, so the, incredible shrinking supervisor needs to monitor meetings like refs at a high stakes sporting event.  

Didn’t sign up to be the only consistent floor lieutenant, swash-buckling nightly with nutty and buddies.

Wasn’t prepped to work with no account lazy ass PA’s with MA’s who feel they’re “too good” to empty trash at the end of the night.  Guess maybe I work too hard for all that.

And Wednesday I was called a nigger at work.

And Wednesday I was called a nigger at work by one of the patients

And Wednesday I was called a nigger at work by one of the crazy ass patients.

I signed up for crazy, not disrespect.  Even if it was motivated by crazy.

Finally it’s Friday, more like fried-day, because attitude can’t adjust to any more angles of blatant disregard, disrespect, or denial. Done.

Good luck kiddos, your teacher’s pissed, his mean mug is real, stay off his bad side, or you will surely get the wrath.

‘Bout 8:15am, student comes in late.  He gets on the computer like he’s supposed to. Two minutes goes by, he has out his phone, I go by and tell him, ‘please put your phone away’.  He does. Two more minutes goes by, and he has his phone out again.  I go by a second time, ‘please give me your phone, it’s a rule not to have it out.’  He blurts out ‘Chill!!’--like I’m one of his peers.  No.  ‘Sir you can go see the dean’ I reply calmly.  He gets up, hotter than a Juneteenth celebration in Pulaski, TN.  He marches angrily toward the door, then trips over the chair.  As I turn around to watch him, pick himself up off the floor, he yells ‘Fuck you!!’

I’m not paid enough, I ain’t carin’ that much; bitch, I been in a mood all week. This ain’t the cherry, it’s the whole damn dessert--on Friday.  These kids done lost they damn mind.  Know the rule, break the rule, confronted on the rule, and then throws a fit when consequences happen?!

I’m good, fuck that crazy, fuck them kids, and fuck this week. I radically accept the fact that I’m not good. This week I pissed off a lot of people, and I’m ok with that. Life is hard sometimes, but I refuse to quit. I will continue, not because I must, but because I am able.  

No one likes being called--Nigger Boy

1/17/18, had to be one of those days.  For those who don't know, I have two jobs, one of them is working with (primarily) paranoid schizophrenics.  Now one of my patients is a white male, about 55 (I believe) who ranks somewhere along the autism spectrum.  He's been on the unit where I work for more than a year; I've been there almost a year.

Usually, this patient is very non-sensical, he makes statements out the blue, and has a very gruff tone, even when he means well.  One of his quotes from the other night was something along the lines of, "Elton John was 13, but now he's negative 3 because his music is yellow."  Any person who works in the mental health field knows that patients have triggers, and this patient is no different.  His trigger is pop, or soda, which he affectionally calls soda water.

Now at the time where my night went wrong was snack time.  I was behind the large desk, enclosed with a gate, serving snack to all the patients.  I had served the majority of the snacks, and this particular patient usually gets his last helping of soda water at this time.  An important note is that this patient is on a fluid restriction for medical reasons.  So I ask to see the book which has a record of the amount of fluid he's taken.  He becomes pressure, and frustrated because he wants his soda water, and he wants it now.

In the process of trying to see what his total intake was, he becomes argumentative and start yelling. He looks up at me from the paper, very intent and angry, then growls, "Give me my fuckin' soda water, it's mine, give it to me now."  He also foams a bit at the mouth.  At that point, I'm not scared or nervous, because I've seen this behavior and reaction before. I do what we (as mental health workers at this particular hospital) do, and tell him I'm calling safety.  This enrages him even more, as I turn my back to call safety.  Now by this point there are two staff members around him, and while my back is turned to him, he yells out, "Fuck you, nigger boy!"

I'm frustrated, I heard it, believed it, and couldn't come up with a solid enough reason to confront or correct this literally crazy, triggered, autistic, in the moment racist son of a bitch.

The staff corralled him and moved him down the hall.  However he kept yelling the phrase down the hall.  Mind you, we have other Black patients.  There wasn't a riot or confrontation, the patient was punished, he had his status removed, and was placed on an 'assault watch', even though the confrontation never came close to him assaulting anyone. However, I'm still left feeling unsatisfied about this situation.

Here's my rub
1. He's not right in the head.  But he's just right enough to say some foul and fucked up shit at just the right time
2. Racist exist, our president is one.  And our patient has family who probably voted, if not have the same beliefs as our so called president
3. Autistic or crazy, if you're in a mental hospital, you are vulnerable and easily taken advantage of.  His family has taken advantage of him, and given him wrong values.  And he's autistic to say the least.  Is that on him, his family or society?
4. I could have confronted him and talked to him, but would he really have gotten it. I mean this is the person who made the statement about Elton John being 13, but now was -3 because his music was yellow.  I mean c'mon, put yourself in those shoes

So that's my spiel.  That's my shit ass night.  I'm gonna hit publish, finish my crown and ginger ale, kiss my little baby, and curl up with my lady.

I may promote this post, or I may just see what it does.  But there is one thing that won't change.

Crazy ain't gonna stop being crazy.  And I ain't gonna let this bs keep me from keepin' this job to pay the bills....at least for now.

Appreciate the processin

402

Not Your President's Twitter

Last week was my first week back to work.  And last week was another week filled with presidential blunders such as disrespectful and racist remarks he made about African nations.  It was week two of this wonderful 2018, and I was a bit inspired.  I wanted to bring this year in with some positivity rather than negativity.  This is why I've titled this post Not Your President's Twitter,  because things surrounding that subject somehow always go to the gutter.

So in honor of that I did a week's worth of tweets which had some form of #motivation in it.  Some of you may know that I follow #ThinkBigSundayWithMarsha, and usually post inspirational messages to followers and friends.  I thought of that concept, and said 'hey, for a week all I'm going to do is post motivational messages'.  So this will be the way we start off the new year, being motivated.  To all my readers, writers, and/or social media enthusiast, this is the year to get motivated and get going on the project of your choice

Monday

So the first post was just a pure selfie with a saying that I like to use whenever I'm working with youth or mental health patients.  "When you look good, you feel good", I've found that statement to be true with myself on many occasions.  This was the way I had to get ready for students, I'd been off for a lot of days.  As some of you know I run a credit recovery class for high-school students, and it's imperative that my high-school seniors get their credits to graduate.  So this is me, (in my new Christmas shirt) getting ready, and telling all my followers a positive and motivating message.

This was Monday.

Stats

(Monday)

Now I know that some of us will put stuff out there with an expectation of getting a good return, or having a tweet/post go 'viral'.  Now I' not expecting things to go viral, however, I am looking at engaging my audience more.  So we can see here, it wasn't too bad of a tweet--254 impressions.  I guess selfie's in classrooms with a inspirational message works in my #twitterverse

Tuesday

So if you can see it, this tweet was put out at 11:29am, and I was inspired by them.  Monday they worked hard, and did the same thing Tuesday morning.  Before the break I had started working on motivational quotes to place around the room

Their work in the 1st two days, motivated me to finish the job. Tuesday was a great day!

Tuesday Stats

Going viral was never really the goal, but having more than the day before always helps.  254 to 263 ain't too bad.  In life there needs to be improvement; sometimes its small, and other times it's larger than life. It's somewhat like teaching, you expect to have improvement, because improvement shows learning.  And if your kids aren't learning, then well, maybe, you're not teaching.

Wednesday

Now no lie, Wednesday was a toughie.  Tuesday-Friday nights I work a 2nd job (at a mental hospital--yep I said it, a mental hospital). So Wednesday mornings are always tough.  My roster has been increasing this week, mainly because high-school students who live in a high risk area, know how to take care of their mental health--ie, they start school later in the 1st week (lol).  In any case Wednesday was tough; their motivation was a bit low and so was my energy. 

I found myself motivating them to find out 'how to work the problem', rather than just 'googling' the answer.  We have to hold the next generation to a higher standard; if we don't we as humans can't evolve, can't improve 

This was why there was a #WednesdayWisdom tag rather than the motivation

Wednesday Stats

These tweets were never meant to go viral, but I did hope to get some attention with them. However, when I happened to look at the stats, I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed, and not satisfied.  I didn't know if it was because it was a generic gif or whether the message was wrong, or what.  But, I wasn't satisfied.  So I tweeted again.

Wednesday Tweet II

The funny thing about motivation and inspiration is stubbornness.  The fact of not giving up, not wanting to give up, and keep going on.  Keep on keepin' on was the theme of the day, and theme of

the week.  I found this jpeg and if seemed to fit my mood exactly, and the stairs were the perfect backdrop.  Unsatisfied with my results, I tweeted again with a different message and a new hash tag--#WednesdayMotivation

....and sometimes when you are persistent, it pays off.

Most impressions of the week (303), that is the definition of motivation

Thursday

Feeling good going into the weekend I was ready to go to war with Thursday.  Much like Wednesday, it would be a tough day.  Due to having a one car household with a little one, I had to let my wifey take the car so the little one could make it to the doctor.  But would that stop me from motivating others?  Of course not, it would just give me greater focus and drive.



I wanted recognition for this day, I wanted to seize it.




However, my message failed flat much like my first tweet on Wednesday.

Thursday

(Stats)

121 impressions and 1 engaged in reading the quote.  That's a flat-line. I had to do better I had to come harder, better--I, had to seize the common occasion and make it great.   And what better way to do that then with a hip-hop icon.  

When times are rough and hard, there is no one I go to more for inspiration than Tupac Shakur.

This was a bit of an anomaly with me.  I thought this would of garnered more of a reaction. 

However, it didn't.  I only got 182 impressions.  I wasn't satisfied with my effort.  The day had been long, I was off-schedule without a car, took an Uber to job 2, and was tired from the week.


These aren't reasons, these are excuses. My numbers didn't do what I wanted them to do, I didn't get the reaction I wanted.  I wanted to do better next time.

Friday

I will admit, Friday, I lost steam.  I had business to handle in the morning which prevented me from going to the school, but not losing sight of the goal--#motivation.  So I tweeted twice, with minimal results.  This was the first one:

With only 168 impressions and 2 engagements, I had done better, and knew I could do better.  I wanted to show gratitude, and motivate, but also wanted people to be able to get the message.

So I tweeted again--

This was the final tweet of the #motivation series for the week.  This will not be the last time I participate in a challenge, or with a group.  I am hoping to engage people more, not only on twitter, but with all my social media--including this blog. I am a writer by nature, and I will continue to write, not only here, but other blogs, posts, ezines, and magazines.

Once again with only 149 impressions and 1 engagement, it was one of my lowest impressed tweets.  But I will continue on, taking the small steps in the right direction












So once again, Happy 2018, and remember--you don't have to be negative like some in our society.

You too can help #MotivateOthers.  

My name is Clarence, and I've approved this message! lol

Post #10 (for 2017)

With the last post I put up, it was all about the doodles, and the numbers.  This go round, we recognize the numbers, as this is post #10 (that’s a old school number sign, not a hashtag), and we recognize something else...someone else.  

I am a writer, and reader, and supporter of people who do things independently, who write independently.  So in honor of all those things….

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU INDIE AUTHOR!!!

This is for you, because you are magnificent with your metaphors; you paint pictures with your pen.  You still tell stunning stories in a time when they are like missing children on milk cartons.  You are a force mightier than Mother Nature’s most horrible hurricane, and brighter than her best August shine.  As indie authors you, me, all of us, have this passion, this need to make words and works come to life.  However we, like many others don’t compliment each other enough.  We doubt ourselves, we don’t always recognize our power.  So this is for you, indie author, creator of power and magic.

Writing a book, or article, or blog post, is hard work.  It is creativity and word connections; putting feelings and emotions in a pot, then cooking it like gumbo.  There is something fascinating and captivating about formulating a character.  You come up with these impossible situations, then create this character with these qualities, and makes the impossible possible.  And you do it with flare and a style like no other.  I am fascinated by your short stories, and flash fiction--how do you write a whole story in a 1000 words or less--magic, that’s how!  

The world is a strange, and sometimes horrible place to live.  There are doubters, haters who hold your efforts in low esteem.  And while you are strong and powerful, indie author, you are not invincible.  There are times when

procrastination hits, or writer block, or you get another rejection letter from some small time publisher who thinks your work could be improved (just not at their publication). They call us crazy for even attempting, they call us stupid for investing money in writer conferences, and belittle us for believing in our own creativity.  And some of our readers can be cruel, pointing out mistake after mistake, while not giving credit for the magnificent story we just blessed them with.  It hurts, it's cruel, but we just write it down, ball it up, and add it as fuel for the fire.

You inspire me, and I aspire to be like you

You are a coffee connoisseur of the highest level

You are not weird because you're an introvert, we know the value of having time to think, reflect, & write

We are writers!  You are the celebrated creator of jokes, jotted down on t.p. rolls, having crowds laugh so hard, tears stream better than Netflix.  But we are fragile and delicate; we love reading reviews of enjoyment, for it can cement the unsure and give credit to that 'I told you so' little voice that is always around.  

The best gifts we receive are comments of how a story, or post, or poem helped or touched a person in a positive way.  If you're a reader, and you're reading this, hey, leave a comment, or better yet, go post on your favorite indie author's Facebook page or shout them out in a tweet.  

You are the definition of being a hero, with your sometimes secret identity of being a writer. 

You are both Mother, and writer, Father and writer, Waitress, Walmart cashier, Teacher, Dog walker, Sign spinner, Game tester, Landscaper, and writer.  You wear the hats of editor at times, or promoter, graphic designer, social media manager, and researcher of all things publishing.  

You rein in your dual role of worker and wordsmith getting bacon by day, and creatively cooking it on the page by night. You are the light and dark that few understand; they want to in-prison your at risk personality, placing your pen in straight jackets, because your thinking can sometimes be on the fringe of sanity--to hell with that!  

Be Free, Write On!

You may never get the credit you deserve indie writer, but I implore you to never stop. Quitting is an option only if you lose your heart, only if the love of words somehow sour your spirit, only if the cold of death takes over your hands.  You will, I will, we will find our niche, our crowd, our people, and together we will forge on! To the street, to that next chapter, to that sunset.  

You are my hero Indie Author/Indie Writer, and I give thanks for your words!